Still Playing Head Games With Myself

It never seems to fail with me, after being married for 11 years and having never used any birth control, having received a diagnosis of male infertility due to unexplained azoospermia and having to use donor sperm to create our family I still find myself looking at the calendar every month wondering if some how by magic I will have gotten pregnant the good old fashioned way by my husbands sperm.

I play this torturous mind game with myself, I think maybe I am pregnant, i do a detailed analysis of every phantom symptom I have. I further twist the knife in my heart by wondering if it will be a boy or a girl, what names would we pick, would we have to move or add onto our house to make room for another child. I do this month after month, and the inevitable always happens. Auntie flow shows up with the bad but predictable news that “NO you are not pregnant you silly girl, your husband is infertile and it isn’t going to happen that way”.

I hate her, my auntie flow. Hate her because she comes to me every month with the bloody reminder that I will never have a biological child with the man I dearly love. And stupid, desperate me looks in the mirror at myself every time she is here for her visit and says, “maybe next month!”


39 year old Mom to 3 DI babies, ages 2 and 1 year old twins.

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Posted in Azoospermia, BGM9581, Canada, Christmas and Canada, DI, DI Baby, DI Child, DI Dad, DI Grandparents, DI Mom, DI Parents, DI Siblings, DI Story, facebook, Infertility, IVF, Loss of Baby after Infertility, Male Infertility, OHIP, Sperm Donor, Sperm Donor BGM 9581
5 comments on “Still Playing Head Games With Myself
  1. travsmom says:

    I think that like many things in life you need to grieve for what you don’t have/didn’t get and then embrace what you do. I have an adopted son that I had a lot of hopes and dreams for. He has struggled with learning disabilities as well as social anxiety. When I accepted that child I was given and embraced his gifts not what he was missing I was able to move forward. I too had a husband with azoospermia. Unlike yours he was against DI and our marriage ended. I decided that I would have a child by DI and had to let go of my dream of the happily married couple. Life is about choices and acceptance. You have 3 gifts….love them and don’t look for what isn’t there.

    • gendmom says:

      Of course I am over the moon about the children that I have. They are the most precious things in my life. I guess it is just the process of grieving , as you mentioned, that I have not gone through yet.

  2. gendmom says:

    So I got an anonymous response on another site I posted this, here is their comment to me and my response: (I am so trying to stay objective)

    Anonymous Commenter Wrote:

    I was honestly stunned by this and as a women who was married for year to an infertile male could not have disagreed more nor felt remotely like this poster. Maybe because our first child was adopted I don’t know but for me…this was about being a mother a parent not about “needing” to have my “own” child. I consider this women one of the lucky…not every wife of an infertile male is guarenteed to get pg even via donor…..My first reaction as a women, a mom, an adopted an a DI parent is…are you kidding me….do you know how lucky you are? How will your kids feel when they read that they were good enough but that you still wanted something more? The internet is forever, remember what you post today is around 15 years from now. I am not here to case any stones or pass judgement but at some point you have to accept the cards your given, embrace the gifts you have and stop looking for your happiness somewhere else. Just my humble opinion.

    My Response:

    Dear Anonymous,

    As stunned as you may be and as disgusted as it sounds you are, these are my feelings. Not one of them takes away from the joy I have and the happiness I feel about the children I have via sperm donor. My husband and I spent many years investigating ALL of our options including adoption, and you are right, I am “lucky” that through it all and in the end that I had a husband who agreed with a sperm donor. Did I “need” to have my “own ” child? No! When we got the diagnosis or male infertility I left it up to him, he had the decision and it took years for us to get to the point of donor sperm. We had been together for 7 years before we knew about our infertility and it took another 2 to get to sperm donor. Judge lightly as you may not know someones exact details.

    Do I know how lucky I am? Every single day I know, I look into those amazing eyes and I hug that amazing man who agreed to stay with me through all this, I am the lucky one!

    When my kids read this and anything else I write they will know that’s my mom, she is up front, honest and open. None of what I have written implicates that I don’t love and cherish my children, it does however paint a true picture of my emotions as a mom going through infertility and having used Donor Sperm. My kids will be raised in a strong environment, where speaking your mind and sharing your feelings is not a shameful thing. Yes the internet goes on for years, you think 15, I hope infinity. I have NO SHAME in my words.

    If your post was intended to not cast any stones perhaps you should re-read it. As for acceptance of the cards I am given, there is no question I love every hand I have been dealt. The deck of cards is full of love here. I don’t look for happiness elsewhere, I wrote that post so that I could share an honest feeling.


  3. Izzy says:

    Oh how I feel your pain. My husband was diagnosed with azoo before we were even married. I am currently going through the DS process, and have had 2 failed iuis. (1 chemical) I swear to you I have taken a handful of pregnancy tests, thinking that by some miracle my spermless hubby has impregnated me. It only takes one, right?! I don’t know that I will ever fully give in to the knowledge that it just can’t happen that way for us, b/c I’ll always believe in miracles. Even if they don’t come my way.
    Having just found out today that iui #2 resulted in a chemical pregnancy, I’m especially vulnerable emotionally to this, but I promise, you are not alone in your thoughts.

  4. […] The post hit home for me and addressed a lot of my own fears and concerns about raising donor conceived children and wether or not that made my parenting different from those parents who were able to both supply the genetics for their children.  I have not yet looked at my children and felt any disconnect, and to be honest, reading that part made me feel very sad and extremely fearful that one day that might happen to me, I really can’t bare the thought of ever feeling a sense of distance from my own child.  I have blogged about my struggle with my monthly “Auntie Flow” and how even though I know I can NEVER have a genetic child with my husband, I hate her because she keeps taking that little bit of a fantasy away from me every month.  She really can be a nasty bitch!  You can read my post all about that here:  “Still Playing Head Games With Myself” […]

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