Azoospermia, what a strange word. But it is a word that is embedded deep into my psyche and a word that changed my life forever! I will always remember how I felt and how I reacted when I heard the news that my husband had unexplained Azoospermia and that he would NEVER be able to biologically have his own children. It was a like swallowing a large piece of burning lava rock that travelled its way through my entire body, and sometimes even years later it still takes a little tour around inside me to remind me that it is there.
As soon as I found out our diagnosis I started searching the web for other people who were experiencing the same diagnosis of male infertility as we were. Others who also had that burning discomfort that the word ‘Azoospermia’ had left in their lives. I yearned to hear that it was as big a blow to them as it was to me, to hear that they also struggled with their choices, that their husbands were also devastated by it. It sounds almost masochistic of me to want to wade around in others misery so I could add it to mine, and it certainly makes me sound bitter and miserable about it all, and I was. But something happened when I started reading the blog posts that others had written, the words had the opposite affect on me. Instead of them allowing me to stay stagnant in my depression, they gave me a kick in the ass and made me become positive and proactive.
I began the journey and the long haul to becoming a parent, and all these years later I am a mom just like all the other crazed moms out there. I have 3 beautiful kids all born via Sperm Donor 9581 and we are a happy, dysfunctional, loud family of a 3 year old and 23 month old boy/girl twins.
However, there are still days when I think…..”what if?” ”what if I had never heard that word Azoospermia” and those are the days I go hunting around for posts from my fellow bloggers, posts filled with words that will once again drag me out of my stupor.
Here are some of my recent blog post reads and little excerpts from them that I for whatever reason relate to:
“So, I was still breaking the news to some of my friends and family about our infertility. Their reactions are always the same. First their mouths open, then the cover their mouths, then silence, then reassuring words. I’m so glad no one has said the “It only takes one sperm!” comment, since, well, we don’t even have one. One would be good!” – from Dealing With Azoospermia (written from her point of view)
“Donor sperm? No…no…no way, nope, not happening, not doin’ it!”, was, loosely paraphrasing, how my half of our initial discussion on the subject of DI went. Of course with hindsight and all of the wonderful (though posthumous) perspective it gives us, I realize I was being a totally selfish ass. And in hindsight of that hindsight (is that recursive?!), I realize that I was terrified, completely ignorant on the topic, and absolutely not ready to make a decision carrying anywhere near that much weight! But the more we talked, the more we read, the more time we had buffering us from the diagnosis, the more I, we, warmed up to the idea. If we couldn’t have a baby that was biologically both of ours, then it seemed like a logical conclusion that having a baby that is biologically connected to one of us would be, “next best”. Of course, in reality, that conclusion and the accompanying range of feelings can often feel far less than logical.” – from Az0owho -Adventures in Male Infertility (written from his point of view)
“We all dream of that Technicolor moment, sunset in the background, pulling ourselves from a tilled field, thrusting a newborn baby into the air and pledging in our most impassioned Scarlet O’Hara voice “As God is my witness. I will never be Infertile again.” The problem is that infertility slaps you in the face and says “Frankly I don’t give a damn.” It keeps on slapping you in the face even after the baby is born.” – from Don’t Try This At Home (written from his point of view)
*****side note: I wrote this blog as part of my A to Z blog challenge*****