I wanted to post part of a response I wrote to a DI mom who contacted me as I feel like it represents how a lot of us moms who have used donor sperm feel.
” we all have things about DI that we are trying in vain to keep a secret from someone in our lives. Personally for me my kids are very young. 20 month twins and a 3 year old, so quite a while until we need to start having the talk about them being Donor inseminated kids. All of my family and friends know about my kids, but my husbands side is a bit different. His Mom and Dad and brothers know but that is it, so we keep that part of it quiet from them.
Also my husband although never pressured into going the Donor Sperm route to have a family, isn’t really wanting to talk about it all right now. He says he wants to just spend these years before we have to tell them being a Dad, if I bring it up he says it makes him feel sick to his stomach thinking about having to tell our kids he is not their biological father. So we sure have some tough time coming up in the future.
I also have issues with the entire donor gamete system. I live in canada so things are somewhat different here, however because we have no payment for people to donate sperm/eggs we have basically no canadian donors and therefore all of our clinics sperm supply comes front he US. I used xytex, sperm donor BGM9581. I am registered no the DSR and have found one sib match there and through my blog I found another sib match, both are in the US. I do know that there is at least one other sibling in my province, as the clinic I used slipped up and told me that. I don’t have the same concerns necessarily about my kids hooking up with a donor sibling as it just is not probable where I live, but I do know that the two half sibs that I have found only live 1 hour away from each other in the US and their parents were shocked to realize how close they were. In our case all of our children are under the age of 6, so no one dating yet. But What does bother me is that ever since I have been finding my children’s half siblings, I feel like I am on a quest to find them all. I don’t like the idea that they may have 20+ half sibs out there but if they do I want my kids the have the opportunity to meet them if they want to. In my life I have one brother and we are so close, I can’t imagine my kids not having every chance to be able to have the same relationships with all of their brothers and sisters.
We chose an anonymous donor as that was my husbands wish, I personally did not care at that point as you said, all you want is to create a family and have those beautiful babies in your arms. And you do tell yourself things to make it all seem okay. Yes all the love we give them will make everything else be alright, but then when the dust settles and you have finished creating the babies and they start getting older, you start get a clearer head and you think about the real ramifications of your situation and how it is going to come up sooner or later that these kids were created using donor sperm and that truthfully you can not give them all the biological information they may desire or require.
I started the group and my blog hoping to connect with other moms just like us who need to vent and bitch and cry about this, because although we are moms with what looks like “normal” families to the outside world, we are not. We have different issues that will affect our children’s futures and it is scary to me to think I have jumped blindly into a world (the DI world) without all the information I could have gathered for my kids just because I wanted a family. But alas, it is done and now we must fumble through it all with our head held high so that our children never think there is any shame to it all!”