Self sabotage is what it really is and it is something I tend to do when things start going well. I have always acknowledged openly to others that I can do this from time to time, but I don’t always remember to remind myself when I am in the starting stages of the withdraw that will lead to my eventual failure. Of course it is always right when everything is going really well and I have new things on the horizon and life seems to be in a peaceful, serene state that I slowly start to bury my head in the sand, and this time was not different.
My last post was April 25th “Allow Me to Introduce Myself” and I was and am excited to be starting a new adventure of having a weekly column on the LeanOnUs.co website called PandeMommium as well as being the moderator of the Parenting section of the forums. I have also decided to start an entirely new blog called PandeMommium where I can write and post exclusively about my kids. I know, I know another Mommy blog, but I feel that it is such a huge part of my life that I want to separate it from this blog and leave all my posting about me as a Women and a Writer here and dedicate another blog to me as a Parent of twin 2 year olds and a 3 year old. So it begins, things are going well and I have found focus.
Plus, life is good on the home front, the kids are all amazing (although crazy) and after years of infertility turmoil we have the perfect family we wanted. My marriage to my husband is as good as it has ever been and we are all happy and healthy. Yet another reason to be feeling the high of the upswing in life. My schooling went well this past year and I left for the summer break with an 80% average, how could anything be more perfect. Oh Yeah, I started my weight loss program and I have lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks and am sticking to it all very successfully. So of course it was the perfect time for me to withdraw from life. Lock the doors, turn off the phone, ignore the computer and hide inside.
The weekend arrived and I still had not reminded myself that I was in full swing ignore life and all the good things that are happening, mode. I proceeded to feel sorry for myself the day of the twins birthday and refused myself food as a way to try and control things. I hung back and tried my best not to socialize to much, busying myself with the kitchen clean up and the changing of bums. The next day was easy to ignore as well, it was busy and we were running around picking up a swing set for the kids and then spending the day setting it up. Days were coming and going and I was not being productive at all in progressing any of the things that I had been trying to build over the past year. Then Monday came around and I realized where I was and what my subconscious had been up to ….. SABATOGE, and immediately I thought of a vlog that I had watched from one of my fav on line people Stephen Dimmick @ Daily Dimmick. He has spoken very openly about how he also has a habit of missing the good things and opportunities because as he puts it he is “Afraid of Success, not the Failure”…. take a look at these two vlog posts he did, can you relate, I know I can!
After I took the time re-watch these in order to give myself a good kick in the ass, the fog started to clear. No right away, I still needed one more day to pull it all together and get focused and organized. But today I feel back in the right space and am facing all my challenges head on. I can’t promise anyone that it won’t happen again and that I won’t slip away into hibernation for a few days or a week, as it was this time. But I can say that every time I approach these times I am more and more aware of what is going on and am finding tools and making connections with people that help me to buck up and fly straight!
Needless to day today has been wonderful, it is beautiful and sunny and the kids have been doing crafts outside all day. I have been catching up on my work and working on new ideas in between pushing kids on the swing, picking flowers and rocks, fixing the fairy house, setting up the painting area and wiping up painted toddlers, feeding one diapering and hugging and kissing boo boo’s away, ahhhhh life is perfect and I am back in the game!
So come check out the new look at Lean On Us and my column PandeMommium and the Parenting forums, the site has been going through a big overhaul and will be getting a new look and new sections on May 5th, 2012. You can find me there then!
Also check out my new blog PandeMommium bear with me though as I am currently just getting it up and running!